Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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