How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
