I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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