I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
