There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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