I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize