We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I want her autograph on my taint
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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