the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize