i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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