even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
