how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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