Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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