im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize