Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
