on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
