The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
