wat bout pragnant strippers??
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
