nut hugger
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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