Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
