oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
