Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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