Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
