If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
