I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
