Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
