I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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