apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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