Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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