Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
