Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
