I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
