If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize