Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
