There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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