it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
