i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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