Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
