Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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