you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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