he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
