you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
