apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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