I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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