This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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