Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
