I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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