I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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