He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize