im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
