Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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