maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
