If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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