dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He passed out mid-signature
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize