bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
