can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
