i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
