i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
