im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
