dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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