Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
